I grew up in an anti-religion family, and yet my childhood was full of spiritual experiences. I was born exactly one year and nine months after the death of my parents’ firstborn, a son, at age five from leukemia. Each summer we often visited Little Harold’s grave, planting and watering flowers, but I spent the time wandering around the children’s section of the cemetery, listening to the meadowlarks, watching the sunset, reading the names and dates on the little gravestones, pondering…and I felt something deep and profound. I didn’t name it God, but I loved it, and I sought it out. As I got older, I would take off on my bike and visit an empty field near my house. I would be very still and quiet, listen to the meadowlarks, and feel…what? It had no name, but I knew I needed it. My first invitations to the Contemplative way.
There was a lot of pain and trauma in my family, for me personally and for everyone else. Over the years I stopped visiting the cemetery and the empty field. But, when I was fourteen, I had another invitation.
My beloved grandfather died, and my grief paralyzed me. But at his funeral, staring at his ghastly made- up face, I had an overwhelming knowing that this was not my grandfather, but only a shell, and my grandfather’s spirit was still with me. I also had a deep sense of God’s presence. The next Christmas Eve, I asked my sister to come with me to the midnight service at a nearby Anglican Church. It was the first time I had seen Eucharist, and I was overwhelmed by recognition and longing. I knew I needed this. I enrolled in Confirmation classes, was baptized and confirmed, and became a member of the Church.
Over the years, Eucharist was still a profound sacrament for me, but there grew a disconnect between my wordless knowing and the words of the church services. Then, in 1994, I was invited by Katy Carlsen, one of the founders of the House of Prayer, to organize a women’s retreat at the House of Prayer. Four of us spent two days there. Because of that first invitation, I decided to attend a weekend Advent retreat with David Keller. Amazing! The teachings about Mary, the sits in the oratory…I felt like I had come home. After attending three of these yearly retreats, I decided to try what for me felt really radical – to attend a weekend silent retreat. It was life-changing. I clearly remember walking down Fruit Farm Road after one of the silent sits in the oratory, and noticing the shadows of the little stones on the road. Everything was alive with Spirit, and it reminded me of my experiences at the cemetery and empty field as a little girl. I decided that this Contemplative way was to be my path. For the next three years, I attended David Keller’s twice yearly silent retreats.
Choosing a path, or being chosen by it, has consequences. As my spiritual life and my commitment to God and the Contemplative way deepened, my marriage unraveled. I longed to share what I was experiencing with my husband, but that was not to be. My decision to ask for a divorce was driven by my overwhelming need to live a more God-centered, intentional life.
For a few years before my divorce, financial issues and family stress had kept me from attending the House of Prayer, but some friends and I had started a weekly Contemplative Prayer group at our church. During Advent of 2003, a time when my husband and I were living “in-house separation,” one of those friends suggested that we attend the Advent Open House at the House of Prayer. David Keller had recently retired, and we hadn’t yet met the new Director, Ward Bauman. It was so lovely to be back in the beautiful House of Prayer, especially the oratory, and Ward was gracious and welcoming. I told him that I could no longer afford retreats at the House of Prayer and he said “Don’t let that stop you.” A gracious invitation.
In April, in the midst of preparing our house to go on the market, I took a break and attended Ward’s retreat on George and the Dragon. The teaching was wonderful, but more importantly, I was at peace in the atmosphere of the House of Prayer, the meditations in the oratory, and the welcoming, nurturing community. I was home again.
In the summer of 2004, Ward organized the first meetings of the Contemplative Body in the Twin Cities. I immediately joined, along with a few friends. So now I had a loving spiritual community to walk with me as I found a new home, moved and finally divorced. The rituals of community reminded me of my original intention to live a Contemplative, God-centered life. When I first saw the Rule of the Contemplative Body, I couldn’t believe how much it reflected how I’d already decided to live my life.
The years after my divorce became challenging, as, along with more silence and solitude in my life came memories of childhood trauma, finally coming up for healing. Through it all, the House of Prayer and the Contemplative Body walked with me. I first met Cynthia Bourgeault in November, 2004, literally days after receiving my final divorce decree in the mail. After the first long sit in the oratory, I fell apart, and spent most of the rest of the retreat in my room. But I was gently ministered to by Cynthia and Ward, and other friends, and I knew I was not walking alone. The next summer, I attended my first Wisdom School, with Cynthia, Ward and Lynn Bauman. It was amazing! Spending a week living intentionally and contemplatively with others was pure heaven, and yet, at the same time, more pain came up for healing. I ended up attending at least eight yearly Wisdom Schools, and I could use them as a barometer of how I was progressing in my healing. Cynthia became my teacher, mentor and cheerleader, noticing and commenting on my slow but steady transformation. The theme of each Wisdom School was always different, and yet the basic teaching was the same. Human beings can never commune with God or solve the world’s problems with our minds; we are using the wrong operating system. Only with our open hearts can we become one with God and transmute our own and the world’s pain into love and healing. And as we let go of our small, ego and mind-centered selves, our True Selves, one with God, emerge. Most important, we don’t do this work just for ourselves, we do it to bring healing to the world. This teaching has guided my life ever since.
Throughout these years I gradually became more committed to my daily home practice. From Cynthia Bourgeois and others I learned the technique of Centering Prayer. I asked my brother-in-law to make me a prayer stool. I bought a singing bowl. I made a small altar in my bedroom. Today, sitting in the morning is as much a part of my routine as eating breakfast.
I would say that now I am almost free of my childhood pain. It has been transformed into deep compassion for myself and others, and every year I am grateful for more healing and a deeper relationship with God and my True Self. My daily contemplative practice, three weekly group sits, and monthly Contemplative Body gatherings are the touchstones of my life, keeping me grounded in what is most important, my deep communion with God. I still love visiting the House of Prayer. For me, the whole place, but especially the oratory, are saturated with Spirit. And there have been many other teachers who have touched my heart, particularly Matthew Wright, Martin Laird and Yuval Ron.
If you are feeling called to this path, all I can say is “Jump in.” A community is waiting for you, and everything that you are intuiting with your heart is true. The world needs more people who are connected to their hearts, God, and their True Selves. Join us on this sacred path.
