At the height of my career and earnings, I became aware that I was increasingly beholden to a system with different values and reference points for life than the ones I had been investing in. In order to remain at the table and continue receiving the security and rewards I enjoyed, I was required to ignore and even bow down to corrosive behaviors. After several failed attempts to bargain with my circumstances, I resigned without another position, and felt suddenly lost without my old “high achiever” identity.
The Contemplative Path rose up to meet me before I even knew what it was or what it encompassed. I received gentle encouragement to be with myself and my heart just as it was. Book titles and invitations to spend time in retreat were offered and I said “yes.” My first experience with sitting in silence was guided by the House of Prayer leadership. It was not comfortable or safe, but my heart knew it was good. I learned that I needed community to support me as I opened myself to a radical letting go of what I thought I could not live without. I certainly grieved as I did so—but the more I relinquished my control and demands, the more I became aware of new states of unearned love and acceptance.
In stepping away from the economy of greed, I received a new life in the economy of grace. It’s a path I’ve barely begun to realize, and I know my participation in contemplative community through the House of Prayer will encourage my continued unfolding, and hold me when I inevitably get stuck along the way.
